This post may be triggering. If you are prone to self injury, please read this in a safe place.

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Dear You,

Before I start, I want you to promise me something. I won’t tell you what to do to yourself. It’s not my place. But I want you to promise me: If you are triggered, read this entire letter. If you still are triggered, talk to me. 

I see what you’re thinking. You’re broken, right? Something happened that broke you down to nothing. You see the blades? The relief is easy, sure. It only takes a few seconds. Just one more cut, right? It’ll be easy! Nobody will ever know.

But do you want to know the truth? That cut will lead to another. As soon as you make the first cut, you’ll be addicted. You will be hooked. You will start cutting to free yourself from your burdens… to let you feel something, anything really would be better than this, right? Guess what happens next. You aren’t free. You’re addicted. You will feel like you’re in an endless struggle. Sure, there will be help there for you, but I almost guarantee that you won’t take it… not at first anyways.

People will ask questions. They will look at your scars and healing cuts and ask what happened. The first excuses are easy. Blame it on your cat? That will work once, maybe twice. What about the third time? The fourth?  Yeah… start thinking of excuses. You’re going to need a lot of them. 

Oh, you think you’re just going to hide your cuts? It’s much easier to hide one or two. But what about when you have thirty, forty, fifty, even ninety separate cuts to cover? Still planning on hiding it? Good. What about when you have to go swimming? What about when you change clothes? People will ask you questions. You will not have the answers. Word will get out. News of your cutting problem will spread like wildfire. Then what happens when it get’s to your parents? What would your Mom think? What about your Dad? Even your brother or sister will find out. Would you want to have your family live with that guilt? They will feel guilt… 

What about when you have children? What if you are babysitting? What are you going to say when your child points at your scars and says “Mommy, what are those from?” or “Dad… What are those marks on your arm?”. Will you be able to tell them? Will you be able to live with yourself after passing the idea on to your children or siblings or family?

There is help. Whatever you are going through, it all will get better. You are loved. I can promise you that because I love you. You are a special, important human being. You are beautiful and you are strong. Do not listen to the lies your brain tells you. You are strong. Nobody ever can take that from you.

So put the knife down. Talk to me. I’m always here to talk. 

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story. You are loved, You are strong, and You will get through this.

Love-

Michael

This post could be majorly triggering, so if you actively struggle with self injury, please do not click through. 

Thanks,

Michael

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We all wear a mask, whether we admit it or not. You may like it, you may not like it. But the fact is the fact. I’m not saying the mask is a bad thing, but I’m definitely not saying it’s a good thing. The mask that we wear is not defined by the things that we have, or even the people that we are. The mask that we where is defined by what we think people want us to be. For example, you may do things you would not normally do to blend in with people around you. Sometimes those could be drugs. Other times you may just put on a face that hides your true emotion. Often times people who are going through depression or severe anxiety will project the mask of complete and total happiness. I’m not saying that this is always a lie, but when I am saying is that more times than not, it is a coping mechanism that the brain will project. Sometimes the person is not even aware of their mask. Happy times, it is completely intentional, and done to hide the true emotion from loved ones. I know there were many years that I projected my mask of happiness and stability to the entire world. Then every night I would come home and it would fall apart. Maintaining this façade is extremely difficult, and extremely energy consuming. I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that if you have a mask that you are projecting to the world, be aware of it. It is extremely stressful and extremely difficult to do. In the end, your true colors will always show through.

– Michael

livelifebyliving.com

I don’t usually dedicate posts, but tonight working at the soup kitchen, I sat and talked to this man who taught me so much, just in the few minutes we talked. This entire post is dedicated to that man, even though I don’t even know his name. He and I sat and talked about the way people are. He asked me a question, not even wanting an answer: Why is it that people judge other people even when they don’t know them? That really got me thinking. Not only do people judge, they discriminate and make up ideas that supposedly define people. It’s appalling. Hearing this man’s story was probably the single most uplifting thing I’ve ever heard. He always tried to focus on school so he never learned how to drive. To this day he doesn’t know and says he has no interest in learning. ‘There’s more important things to do’, he told me. He worked hard in school and later in life he had multiple blood clots in his brain. He told me of the things he went through, the fact that he literally was on the verge of dying. Thank God he was able to survive the multiple surgeries that were needed to remove the blood clot. Today he has slower speech than other people, but he is alive and well. It just amazed me the wisdom that God has given this man. He and I had a long talk about faith and religion which was incredible to me. I think the amazing thing is that he was able to not only sit and tell me that theres more to life than material objects, but was able to practice it as well. It just gives me an amazing amount of hope to know that there are still people out there who care enough to take some time out of their day to talk. I was actually on the verge of crying, that’s how happy I was from the things he said. 

-Michael

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livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

Why I started self harm… It’s something that is so much easier to explain to someone who has experienced self harm. But, I’m gonna try to explain it as if the people reading this have no idea about how someone could take a blade to their skin and intentionally inflict pain on themselves. How do I even begin to explain one of the most complicated things someone can feel. Often times, when a person feels like they have no control over anything that happens in their life, they will turn to inflicting pain that they can control. In the moment, people feel like it helps. Even if someone hears about it and decides to just try it once, it’s addicting as hell. When someone cuts, their body releases endorphins (the same chemical that people feel from a runner’s high) and adrenaline. Both of these chemicals are extremely addictive. They make you feel good for just a short while, but then when you come down, you feel worse than you did before. It’s a vicious cycle. I personally started it as a way to regain control. My plan backfired when cutting controlled me. My thoughts were if I could go to school and get through the miserable day, I could come home to my hidden knives and cut. To the day I still have the scars.

If there’s one thing I want people to get from this, its that cutting is a real addiction. It is a battle that never ends. Just as an alcoholic will always be a recovering alcoholic, a self injurer will always be a recovering self injurer. It isn’t something that is used for attention. I’m of the firm belief that VERY few people use cutting as an attention getting method. If someone is at the point where they will take a blade to their skin, they are at a point where they need help.

Cutting controlled my life for almost two years. I have more scars on my left arm than I even can count. Am I ashamed of them? Absolutely not. These scars serve as a reminder to me of where I’ve been. They remind me of memories which, even though they are painful, they still make me grateful of what my life is today. I couldn’t have stopped cutting alone. That’s just the fact of it. If I wouldn’t have had outside help from my parents and friends, I would likely not be writing this today. This is not an unbeatable disease. If you are struggling with cutting, burning, or any other form of self harm, I urge you to get help by talking to a counselor or parent. You do not have to fight this battle alone. You ARE NOT ALONE, and this is NOT the end of your story.

-Michael

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

I’ve done a general post on Self Injury, but I’ve never shared the personal details about my battle with anyone except my closest friends. Some of the things that I’m about to say are things that they haven’t even heard. So, here we go.

My name is Michael, and I was 12 years old when I started cutting. I can’t really explain why I did it, it was more of an escape from feeling the emotional pain that I felt. I felt like seeing the cuts on my arm, knowing that I was physically hurting myself, I knew that I couldn’t get any worse. It was almost something where I said ‘I might as well make myself the worst I can possibly be, that way I can’t get any worse’ (if that makes sense). The extreme release I felt from this was my only escape from day-to-day life. I started cutting to feel some sense of control over the pain that I felt every day. In the end, it just ended up controlling me.

I remember in 6th grade, I was talking to a close friend of mine (at the time). Let’s call her Jane (No, that’s not her real name, but it’s not important). She and I were close enough to share anything that was bugging us. One day, she mentioned that she was cutting. At the time, I didn’t understand it really. I asked her why she did it, and she told me that she didn’t even know anymore. Then as she went on, she urged me never to try it. She told me that I had to promise to never try cutting. I promised her. Little did I know, I was about to step off of a cliff and never be the same. 

Read More

I’ve done a general post on Self Injury, but I’ve never shared the personal details about my battle with anyone except my closest friends. Some of the things that I’m about to say are things that they haven’t even heard. So, here we go.

My name is Michael, and I was 12 years old when I started cutting. I can’t really explain why I did it, it was more of an escape from feeling the emotional pain that I felt. I felt like seeing the cuts on my arm, knowing that I was physically hurting myself, I knew that I couldn’t get any worse. It was almost something where I said ‘I might as well make myself the worst I can possibly be, that way I can’t get any worse’ (if that makes sense). The extreme release I felt from this was my only escape from day-to-day life. I started cutting to feel some sense of control over the pain that I felt every day. In the end, it just ended up controlling me.

I remember in 6th grade, I was talking to a close friend of mine (at the time). Let’s call her Jane (No, that’s not her real name, but it’s not important). She and I were close enough to share anything that was bugging us. One day, she mentioned that she was cutting. At the time, I didn’t understand it really. I asked her why she did it, and she told me that she didn’t even know anymore. Then as she went on, she urged me never to try it. She told me that I had to promise to never try cutting. I promised her. Little did I know, I was about to step off of a cliff and never be the same. 

Read More

Tomorrow, February 7th, is a huge day for me. February 7th of last year (2011) was the last time I self injured. I can’t even tell you how amazing it feels to be free of that terrible addiction. It became my life. I would sit at school and if something happened, I’d start thinking of the next time I’d be able to get my release in the form of a blade to my arm. It was my only release, but it was such short term relief. I would literally cut to escape the emotional low of my previous cut. I started it to be in control of my life, and in the end, it ended up controlling me instead. It really did nothing except hurt me. Seriously, I started and it just dragged me down. It hurt me, even though I didn’t exactly feel like I was physically hurting at first, the stinging and itching and constant hiding it. It seriously became my life. At one point I couldn’t get to sleep at night with one more cut. It calmed me down, or so I thought. The moral of the story is if you are even considering cutting, theres nothing anyone can say to stop you, but I hope you really think about what you’re getting into, and I urge you not to. Second, if you have already started cutting and are struggling with it, you should know that there IS hope. You don’t even want to know how many times I relapsed before I could get to the point where I was able to give it up. It IS a constant battle, and it never will disappear, but it WILL get easier in time. Plus, I’m always here for anyone who needs help.

-Michael

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

“You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story”

 Losing someone who you love. This is one of those topics where I have to choose my words very carefully, because there’s not many that begin to describe the range of emotions that one experiences. I guess it all depends on the specific situation that you’re living. Often, grief is felt. There are five stages of grief, but that’s a whole different post. Grief, sadness, misery, heartbreak, longing. Those are just a few words that represent the emotions people feel after losing someone close to them. Yes, pay attention to the fact that I say they are just words that represent the emotion. By reading the word grief, you don’t even begin to realize how painful it can be until you A) go through a similar situation, or B) really stop to take a second and think about what it means. That someone  you lost could be a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, family member, really anyone who has had a major impact on your life. The emotions aren’t describable, and I won’t even try.

-Michael

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