I swear… if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d get caught and put back in treatment I’d relapse. I’ve never struggled with the possibility of relapse this much.
I think I realized why I’ve been struggling…
A few weeks ago my doctor switched me from Zoloft to Prozac to try to minimize side effects. Unfortunately I’m starting to see that maybe that switch wasn’t such a good idea. On Monday I’m talking to her and going to switch back. I’ve felt like shit lately.
Honestly I find it incredibly fucking horrible that the people who lie and cheat their way through life get so much farther. I’ve worked my ass off and made the ‘right’ choices, and what the fuck do I have to show for it?
I know not everybody who reads my blog prays…
But please pray for my dad and keep him in your thoughts. They found more melanoma on him today. They cut it out but it’s alarming that it was on a different part of his body than last time. Again I don’t ask for favors very often but I need some support with this. There’s few things that scare me in this world, but the thought of losing the man who I look up to, the thought of losing the man who has been with me through everything, who has raised me and who means the world to me… That scares me a lot.
It’s coming back. It keeps coming back. I feel numb and confused and honestly scared. It feels like everything is intangible… like I see everything in my life around me but the second that I reach for any of it, it vanishes. What the hell is wrong with me?
The other night, I was driving past the airport
It got me thinking: How incredible is it that we can be absolutely anywhere on the globe within hours? I looked up at the airplanes taking off, Realizing that they could be flying to virtually anywhere. It made me realize how small I really am in the world around.
How to deal with missing someone who you love:
Tonight my post is gonna be about missing someone who you love. Why this topic? Simple: because I’m experiencing it right now, therefore I can share my own feelings on it.
First: what’s it like to miss someone? Missing someone who is important to you is like… Well I don’t know how to describe it. It feels like a part of you is missing. For example, when Reem (my girlfriend) left for her trip to Europe, saying goodbye was hard enough. Then when I woke up the next morning I reached to text her good morning. Then I realized she wouldn’t get any of my messages. (That didn’t stop me from sending them to keep from going crazy)
Second: What to do? Anyone who has a solution to this should let me know like ASAP. Cool? Cool.
Why do my parents have to CONSTANTLY flip out at me over the stupidest shit…
Seriously… I went to a movie and my dad thought it was supposed to be over at 9:40. It ended up being over at 10 and he flipped a shit. So bogus. Like seriously? Then my parents are convinced that because I’m a 16 year old guy I’m stupid and can’t be trusted with my girlfriend alone. Seriously? Yeah lots of guys are like that. NEWSFLASH: I am not every other guy alive, I have my own choices and my own ability to control myself and my actions. I at least deserve that trust, don’t I?
So sick of being constantly watched over like I’m two…
I was thinking, why on earth do people go after people under the idea that ‘I’ll change them’. No, you won’t. Do you know why? Nobody can change someone against their will. You can’t go to someone and want to change who they are, you can’t fall in love someone wanting to change them. If you change them, they’re not the person who you fell in love with to begin with.
For example, a very close friend of mine and I were talking earlier. We came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, the things that we have done in the past are done and over with. It doesn’t usually change what happens today, or at least it shouldn’t. So why do people allow things that have happened in the past to impact what happens today? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer. This friend and I essentially came to the understanding that the things we have said and done in the past are history. These things make us who we are.
Isn’t that all that matters?: Who we are now?
Yeah, I thought so.
What the hell is going on?
Okay, please excuse my rant:
What the hell? I walk into my dad’s office to ask him a question for my mom and he seriously stands up and flips out at me. Legit he stood up and yelled at me for being on the phone with my mom and asking him a question. Then he told me how ‘sick of my games’ he is and that I was lying. Seriously I’m not even sure what he means half the time tonight. Last time I saw him like this, he was on painkillers for a surgery. Painkillers and drinking do not mix well. Like seriously, what the hell? Now he’s on even stronger painkillers for a kidney issue. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to have a relationship with him…
End of rant.
How the hell could you do that? Maybe more importantly, why the hell would you do that? You told me everything and trusted me with anything. You could text me whenever you needed something, even at 3 a.m. (which you did). You knew I had feelings for you. You KNEW it. You let me flirt and talk for so long, and you went along with it. Then suddenly out of nowhere you decide to tell me about the other guy. Thanks for everything. I’ve learned a LOT this time.