Why I started self harm… It’s something that is so much easier to explain to someone who has experienced self harm. But, I’m gonna try to explain it as if the people reading this have no idea about how someone could take a blade to their skin and intentionally inflict pain on themselves. How do I even begin to explain one of the most complicated things someone can feel. Often times, when a person feels like they have no control over anything that happens in their life, they will turn to inflicting pain that they can control. In the moment, people feel like it helps. Even if someone hears about it and decides to just try it once, it’s addicting as hell. When someone cuts, their body releases endorphins (the same chemical that people feel from a runner’s high) and adrenaline. Both of these chemicals are extremely addictive. They make you feel good for just a short while, but then when you come down, you feel worse than you did before. It’s a vicious cycle. I personally started it as a way to regain control. My plan backfired when cutting controlled me. My thoughts were if I could go to school and get through the miserable day, I could come home to my hidden knives and cut. To the day I still have the scars.

If there’s one thing I want people to get from this, its that cutting is a real addiction. It is a battle that never ends. Just as an alcoholic will always be a recovering alcoholic, a self injurer will always be a recovering self injurer. It isn’t something that is used for attention. I’m of the firm belief that VERY few people use cutting as an attention getting method. If someone is at the point where they will take a blade to their skin, they are at a point where they need help.

Cutting controlled my life for almost two years. I have more scars on my left arm than I even can count. Am I ashamed of them? Absolutely not. These scars serve as a reminder to me of where I’ve been. They remind me of memories which, even though they are painful, they still make me grateful of what my life is today. I couldn’t have stopped cutting alone. That’s just the fact of it. If I wouldn’t have had outside help from my parents and friends, I would likely not be writing this today. This is not an unbeatable disease. If you are struggling with cutting, burning, or any other form of self harm, I urge you to get help by talking to a counselor or parent. You do not have to fight this battle alone. You ARE NOT ALONE, and this is NOT the end of your story.

-Michael

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