A few random thoughts:
First, the amount of information that the human mind can filter through absolutely amazes me. Think about it. Everything that goes on around you, whether you know it or not, is picked up by one of your five senses. You can see, touch, taste, smell, or hear it. The fact that we are able to focus at all in any capacity is amazing. Somehow, our brains are able to filter out certain things when they’re not important. The best example of this is the chair you are sitting in (or the bed you’re laying in). Your mind isn’t consciously thinking about the feeling that it gives you, but at the same time if you think about it you are able to feel the chair under you. That honestly is amazing to me.
Second, I’ve come to the conclusion that some amount of people (I’m not sure if it’s 1% or 99%) are absolutely awful, vile, horrible things.
That is all.
People and their Influence on You
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean REALLY thinking. Throughout my entire life up until about 7-8 months ago, my outlook and method of success was based on the idea that other people will always let you down and you are the only person who you always will have. That theory didn’t exactly take the best care of me, and it led me down a road of pain and brokenness. By living my life thinking that I was the only one who I could trust, I grew farther and farther from my friends, and perhaps most importantly my family. Everything I did in my life was for me and my benefit. Other people, in my mind, just were there. Why did this not work? Simple, because the way that life works requires us to work with the people who are closest to us.
The healthy human mind craves and strives for relationships. I am a strong believer that the reason for this instinct is to make life easier to manage. As people experience good things, they can share this joy with the people around them. If people experience bad things, they should be able to rely on people around them to carry them through those rough times. This completely contradicts the idea that I lived by for so many years.
Then I sat down and thought about why I felt the way I did, and why I practiced the isolationist methods that I did for so long. I guess that after a lot of the things that I’d been through I thought that people couldn’t be trusted with anything as important as someones well-being (for more info on that see my story). Honestly I think the way I was thinking at that point made me feel like the weight of the entire world was on my shoulders. My thinking was along the lines of “If they didn’t help before why would they help now? Why should I let myself get hurt by someone’s failure to act?”. So I kept it bottled up and tried to hold it in. It didn’t exactly get me anywhere positive.
I don’t think that it was until after I returned home from boarding school that I really started to realize that maybe I could trust people around me. For so long I hadn’t given anyone the chance to help. Then I was put in a place where my only option was to accept help. I opened myself up to my family, and that made all the difference in the world.
All in all, I’ve found that it’s absolutely detrimental to the human spirit to try to handle everything on your own. The people around you have been put in your life for a reason. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, even if you think it was just by chance, those people are who they are for a reason. I’m of the unwavering belief that everyone has their purpose. The people who surround you each have traits that can help you through a rough time, just as you can help the people around you. It’s a complex idea, but in my experience it’s an essential one to understand.
I was thinking, why on earth do people go after people under the idea that ‘I’ll change them’. No, you won’t. Do you know why? Nobody can change someone against their will. You can’t go to someone and want to change who they are, you can’t fall in love someone wanting to change them. If you change them, they’re not the person who you fell in love with to begin with.
For example, a very close friend of mine and I were talking earlier. We came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, the things that we have done in the past are done and over with. It doesn’t usually change what happens today, or at least it shouldn’t. So why do people allow things that have happened in the past to impact what happens today? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer. This friend and I essentially came to the understanding that the things we have said and done in the past are history. These things make us who we are.
Isn’t that all that matters?: Who we are now?
Yeah, I thought so.
Please don’t kill yourself.
There’s that familiar feelings that creeps on all of us.
We could be with friends, or being with the ones we love. having a great time. Smiling, laughing, enjoying ourselves for a short period of time. But the happiness doesn’t last, does it?
The feeling that slowly but surely crosses your mind. You try to let it pass and think about something else, but no. It doesn’t go away—Does it? It sticks with you until it takes over your mind. All the feelings you wish would just go away. The feeling of sadness, pain, and hopelessness. Sometimes, there’s nothing to be sad about, and sometimes there is. But you feel trapped, don’t you? You feel like there is absolutely no way out. It’s like being in the largest darkest tunnel and not finding a way out. No light, just pure darkness, with no way out. It’s like falling into a trap. No control. You can feel it all over your body too, can’t you? Everything starts to feel numb. You feel all alone too, don’t you? It really sucks. Trying to be happy, faking smiles, trying to get yourself through the day. Feel like your losing control of yourself? You can’t calm yourself down cant you? THE FEELING JUST DOESN’T GO AWAY. All of these racing thoughts and there’s only one thing you want to do, you want it to all stop and you feel all the adrenaline start up and everything is rushed and then it goes black. Everything is gone. ”So you want to kill yourself? Because no one cares about you. Your family hates you. Right? No. Your parents walking in your room in the morning to only find a dead body. They’ll try their hardest to not think negative, and to just think that you’re fooling around. Then they’ll start shaking you. Why aren’t you breathing? They’ll be broken. Tears. Many tears. More tears than you ever shed. Was it them? Were they the reason you did this? More tears. Pain. Every day. Every night. Every single second of every day. Guilt. More guilt. What about your best friends? They’re not going to care. Right? No. What’s the first thing that will go through their mind when your principal comes in and tells the class that you’re not alive. While your best friend sits there in tears. That girl that you’d smile at but never talk to? She’s now crying. The boy who used to kick you under the table just to annoy you? He’ll be shocked. He’ll be devastated. He’ll blame himself. What about your teacher? Thoughts crossing her mind. She’ll question if you did it because she didn’t make school comfortable enough for you. Pain. Devastation. All in one. Who organizes your funeral? Who has to go through your stuff? Clothes? Notes? Those few older girls who used to give you daggers at school? They’ll feel regret. They’ll blame themselves. See, if you killed yourself today, you’ll never know what might of happened tomorrow. You’ll never know because you’re dead. Plain dead. Not breathing. Not alive. Just dead. Your family hates themselves for it. Your best friend then falls into depression. Tears. Tears. More tears than a river. All because you killed yourself because you thought noone would care. Right? You are loved. By many. Someone right now is thinking of you. And right now, I’m thinking about anyone who has thought or is considering suicide. You are beautiful. No matter if you’re black, white, homo-sexual, tall, short, overweight or anorexic. You are beautiful. You want to kill yourself? Think about it first. There’s no coming back. And I promise, if you do it, you are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting many. You are creating more tears than you led yourself to. You are making everyone miserable and making them all feel guilt and pain. Never will they feel whole like they used to when they had you. You are beautiful. And you are never ever alone.”
I just want to say, anyone out there that sometimes feels the way I do, before you take a bottle of pills, pick up a blade, burn yourself, or do any sort of self harm to try to end your life, think about this; It’s not helping anyone. It will bring more pain to people then you could ever imagine. Just remember, you. are. loved. and there are people to help you get through whatever you’re going through.
This was a submission from a friend of mine, who’s really more of a sister to me. She has captured the words I’ve wanted to say for so long. Thank you Erin.