I just realized I haven’t made any posts lately. Seems like my blog has lost it’s purpose (to inspire). Any suggestions for tomorrow night?

I’m honestly struggling. I feel like nothing I have been doing is giving me results and the future honestly scares me. That’s always been my biggest fear, the future. It’s so beyond my control that I want to just crawl under a rock and let it pass. But sadly, the world that I live in frowns upon that sort of behavior. So for now I just have to hold it together and keep putting up my mask to the world. As far as the world can see me, I’m doing great: I’m happy. I’m not anxious. I feel ‘normal’ (if there ever was such a thing). But inside… inside I’m cracking. Inside I feel like I’m about to fall apart at a moments notice. Inside the walls, inside the false mask that I project to the world, inside me, I know the truth.

This post may be triggering. If you are prone to self injury, please read this in a safe place.

~~

Dear You,

Before I start, I want you to promise me something. I won’t tell you what to do to yourself. It’s not my place. But I want you to promise me: If you are triggered, read this entire letter. If you still are triggered, talk to me. 

I see what you’re thinking. You’re broken, right? Something happened that broke you down to nothing. You see the blades? The relief is easy, sure. It only takes a few seconds. Just one more cut, right? It’ll be easy! Nobody will ever know.

But do you want to know the truth? That cut will lead to another. As soon as you make the first cut, you’ll be addicted. You will be hooked. You will start cutting to free yourself from your burdens… to let you feel something, anything really would be better than this, right? Guess what happens next. You aren’t free. You’re addicted. You will feel like you’re in an endless struggle. Sure, there will be help there for you, but I almost guarantee that you won’t take it… not at first anyways.

People will ask questions. They will look at your scars and healing cuts and ask what happened. The first excuses are easy. Blame it on your cat? That will work once, maybe twice. What about the third time? The fourth?  Yeah… start thinking of excuses. You’re going to need a lot of them. 

Oh, you think you’re just going to hide your cuts? It’s much easier to hide one or two. But what about when you have thirty, forty, fifty, even ninety separate cuts to cover? Still planning on hiding it? Good. What about when you have to go swimming? What about when you change clothes? People will ask you questions. You will not have the answers. Word will get out. News of your cutting problem will spread like wildfire. Then what happens when it get’s to your parents? What would your Mom think? What about your Dad? Even your brother or sister will find out. Would you want to have your family live with that guilt? They will feel guilt… 

What about when you have children? What if you are babysitting? What are you going to say when your child points at your scars and says “Mommy, what are those from?” or “Dad… What are those marks on your arm?”. Will you be able to tell them? Will you be able to live with yourself after passing the idea on to your children or siblings or family?

There is help. Whatever you are going through, it all will get better. You are loved. I can promise you that because I love you. You are a special, important human being. You are beautiful and you are strong. Do not listen to the lies your brain tells you. You are strong. Nobody ever can take that from you.

So put the knife down. Talk to me. I’m always here to talk. 

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story. You are loved, You are strong, and You will get through this.

Love-

Michael

I’m numb. Very numb. Any advice?

And I don’t ever normally ask for prayers… but if anyone out there is reading this, I need a favor that literally means everything to me.

Yesterday my Dad had a spot removed from his chest. It was deep (the doctor had to cut down to the muscle). The biopsy came back and he has Melanoma. (For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s the most dangerous type of skin cancer.). They think they removed all of it, but there really isn’t any way to be sure because of how deep it was. All that I’m asking is if you believe in praying, say a prayer. If you don’t, just take a moment and send me an encouraging message.

My dad and I fight a lot but he means everything to me. Seriously, he does. I’m scared as hell. I don’t get scared often but I’m absolutely terrified.

Any words of encouragement would help me so much right now.

-Michael

We all wear a mask, whether we admit it or not. You may like it, you may not like it. But the fact is the fact. I’m not saying the mask is a bad thing, but I’m definitely not saying it’s a good thing. The mask that we wear is not defined by the things that we have, or even the people that we are. The mask that we where is defined by what we think people want us to be. For example, you may do things you would not normally do to blend in with people around you. Sometimes those could be drugs. Other times you may just put on a face that hides your true emotion. Often times people who are going through depression or severe anxiety will project the mask of complete and total happiness. I’m not saying that this is always a lie, but when I am saying is that more times than not, it is a coping mechanism that the brain will project. Sometimes the person is not even aware of their mask. Happy times, it is completely intentional, and done to hide the true emotion from loved ones. I know there were many years that I projected my mask of happiness and stability to the entire world. Then every night I would come home and it would fall apart. Maintaining this façade is extremely difficult, and extremely energy consuming. I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that if you have a mask that you are projecting to the world, be aware of it. It is extremely stressful and extremely difficult to do. In the end, your true colors will always show through.

– Michael

livelifebyliving.com

livelifebyliving:

I’m not sure what inspired me to write this post, but it’s based on a sermon that I heard years ago. For some reason as I was laying in bed and couldn’t fall asleep until I get this out.

So imagine this: You’re in the car on the way to school, work, or an appointment. You’re running late and you’re speeding to get to your appointment on time. All of the sudden, you see those blue and red lights in your mirror, along with the wail of the siren. Many thoughts go through your mind as you pull over to the side of the road. “Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong! Look at that other guy, he was going the same speed as I was! I can’t afford a $200 ticket…”. As the police officer walks to your car window, you see him as an obstacle in your way of getting to your meeting. He is the ‘bad guy’ in a way. He takes your license back to his car and he looks up your record, leaving you to sit and be worried about missing your meeting. The officer walks back to your car and looks at you and says “Listen, your record came back clean and I can see you’re in a hurry to get where you are headed to, so I’m going to let you off with a warning.”. In that split second, the officer has gone from being the ‘bad guy’ to the ‘good guy’. He gave you a break and looked past something wrong you did, and gave you a second chance.

Obviously this scenario goes far beyond a speeding ticket. Look at how you use that same logic in your daily life. Some days you are the officer, some days you are the driver. Everyone has their bad days and everyone has their rough spots. The point I’m trying to make is that when you’re in the position to be upset at someone or to tear them down, realize that it doesn’t accomplish anything.

Wouldn’t you like to be let off the hook? Remember that for when you have to treat people certain ways.

Michael

livelifebyliving.com

I’m not sure what inspired me to write this post, but it’s based on a sermon that I heard years ago. For some reason as I was laying in bed and couldn’t fall asleep until I get this out.

So imagine this: You’re in the car on the way to school, work, or an appointment. You’re running late and you’re speeding to get to your appointment on time. All of the sudden, you see those blue and red lights in your mirror, along with the wail of the siren. Many thoughts go through your mind as you pull over to the side of the road. “Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong! Look at that other guy, he was going the same speed as I was! I can’t afford a $200 ticket…”. As the police officer walks to your car window, you see him as an obstacle in your way of getting to your meeting. He is the ‘bad guy’ in a way. He takes your license back to his car and he looks up your record, leaving you to sit and be worried about missing your meeting. The officer walks back to your car and looks at you and says “Listen, your record came back clean and I can see you’re in a hurry to get where you are headed to, so I’m going to let you off with a warning.”. In that split second, the officer has gone from being the ‘bad guy’ to the ‘good guy’. He gave you a break and looked past something wrong you did, and gave you a second chance.

Obviously this scenario goes far beyond a speeding ticket. Look at how you use that same logic in your daily life. Some days you are the officer, some days you are the driver. Everyone has their bad days and everyone has their rough spots. The point I’m trying to make is that when you’re in the position to be upset at someone or to tear them down, realize that it doesn’t accomplish anything.

Wouldn’t you like to be let off the hook? Remember that for when you have to treat people certain ways.

Michael

livelifebyliving.com

I was thinking, why on earth do people go after people under the idea that ‘I’ll change them’. No, you won’t. Do you know why? Nobody can change someone against their will. You can’t go to someone and want to change who they are, you can’t fall in love someone wanting to change them. If you change them, they’re not the person who you fell in love with to begin with.

For example, a very close friend of mine and I were talking earlier. We came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, the things that we have done in the past are done and over with. It doesn’t usually change what happens today, or at least it shouldn’t. So why do people allow things that have happened in the past to impact what happens today? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer. This friend and I essentially came to the understanding that the things we have said and done in the past are history. These things make us who we are. 

Isn’t that all that matters?: Who we are now?

Yeah, I thought so.

-Michael

livelifebyliving.tumblr

I don’t usually dedicate posts, but tonight working at the soup kitchen, I sat and talked to this man who taught me so much, just in the few minutes we talked. This entire post is dedicated to that man, even though I don’t even know his name. He and I sat and talked about the way people are. He asked me a question, not even wanting an answer: Why is it that people judge other people even when they don’t know them? That really got me thinking. Not only do people judge, they discriminate and make up ideas that supposedly define people. It’s appalling. Hearing this man’s story was probably the single most uplifting thing I’ve ever heard. He always tried to focus on school so he never learned how to drive. To this day he doesn’t know and says he has no interest in learning. ‘There’s more important things to do’, he told me. He worked hard in school and later in life he had multiple blood clots in his brain. He told me of the things he went through, the fact that he literally was on the verge of dying. Thank God he was able to survive the multiple surgeries that were needed to remove the blood clot. Today he has slower speech than other people, but he is alive and well. It just amazed me the wisdom that God has given this man. He and I had a long talk about faith and religion which was incredible to me. I think the amazing thing is that he was able to not only sit and tell me that theres more to life than material objects, but was able to practice it as well. It just gives me an amazing amount of hope to know that there are still people out there who care enough to take some time out of their day to talk. I was actually on the verge of crying, that’s how happy I was from the things he said. 

-Michael

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com 

Suicide, it’s a selfish thing. Suicide is selfish, it’s something that often happens when a person feels hopeless and helpless. I remember someone who told me that. It was actually after I just had been released from inpatient for a suicide attempt. Those two words always stuck with me: hopeless and helpless. What on Earth could possibly have been so bad that I felt so hopeless, and then why didn’t I see the people in my life who would have gladly given up everything to help lift me up. The answer? There isn’t one. My depression clouded my judgement so much that I wasn’t able to see the people around me who wanted to help. It’s a hard thing to understand. That’s why I am strongly against guilt tripping people who are suicidal. It doesn’t help at all, in fact it often hurts. Still it’s important to remember the people left behind. There’s two sides to the suicide coin. There is the person who attempts and the people who are left behind. I can personally tell you that the people left behind are forever changed. There was a girl in my community who committed suicide, her name doesn’t matter. Even though I didn’t know her, I knew many of her best friends. When I heard this wonderful girl killed herself, I literally cried for an hour. Looking at the people around her made me want to make a change in the world. That was a moment that inspired me.

Suicide is a hard thing to talk about, and I personally have a ton to say. As a survivor of not one, two, even three attempts, (somewhere in the neighborhood of 17), I always will tell everyone and anyone out there that there IS help to be had. You are not alone, you are not helpless, and I will not rest until this IS NOT the end of your story.

My name is Michael, and that’s a small piece of a large story that has made me who I am. I’m always here to talk for anyone in need. Anyone.

Michael

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

livelifebyliving:

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com

My ultimate goal in maintaining this blog isn’t about followers, it’s about getting the message out that people are NOT alone in fighting depression and self injury (or really whatever battle in their life that they are fighting). To continue to get this message out to as many people as possible, would everyone just consider a quick promo? I don’t care if you have 2 followers or 200,000 followers. Even if my blog gets in front of a single person and that person is helped, we all have accomplished our goal. If you tag it ‘livelifebyliving’ I’ll make a page with links on it for you. This isn’t about followers, its about helping the most people possible.

livelifebyliving.tumblr.com